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Seven Years.   
09:20pm 17/12/2012
  As the world changes, we change. I find myself looking back - not unfavorably - at my teenage years, at all the crazy things I got up to. The highs. The lows. Oh, the numerous, numerous lows.

It is strange to find myself, now an adult, unmarried and without the burden of the kind of parental pressure I felt as a teen. Perhaps mother has simply given up. After several aborted attempts at enforced matrimony, I can't honestly blame her.

And yet, adult life seems awfully dull without the primping and priming, the excitement, the rush of youth and the burning desire to grow up. I am whoever I have become. And who is that?

I wonder if my old friends are out there, with whom I've lost touch over the years. I wonder where they are now - if their hopes and dreams are as unfulfilled as mine are.

It should not feel as if your life has reached a stand still in your twenties. Should it?
4_Kiss me| _Kill me
Don't wanna grow up   
10:44pm 03/11/2005
  I am in a bad mood.

I suggest you all leave me alone. Things have not been going according to plan, everything is immensely confusing, and I simply don't know what to think about anything or anyone, just now. I don't want to see anybody. I'm quite sure i've made everything...awkward and difficult. There's nobody I want to be around.

And Rosier - If I am in the library, doing work, and obviously don't want to talk, I suggest you not persistantly badger me. It's terribly annoying, and besides, you've made it perfectly clear that you find me only mildly amusing when you are bored and have nobody else to talk to. I don't appreciate being someone's little toy - i've had quite enough of that in my life to be getting on with. I'd rather like to think i'm past it, now.

I'd like to think that, indeed.

Agh, I just want to hide in bed until all of this goes away. Wake up in some far away place where everything is different, and lovely, and shiny and new. I seem to turn everything I touch in to a horrible, horrible mess. I wonder if i'll ever learn.

Probably not.

PRIVATECollapse )
3_Kiss me| _Kill me
Ah, blissfull tranquility.   
07:46pm 12/09/2005
mood: chipper
It appears to be the weekend. This pleases me greatly.

The first week back at school wasn't anything to write home about. Which is good, because I plan to avoid writing home as much as possible.

There were classes, there were late-night common-room conversations with various individuals, most of whom were rather attractive, actually, and there were detentions. Well, a detention finally. It appears that if you actually want a detention from Professor Snape, there's no way in hell he'll give you one, unless you badger him constantly about it, and shatter his delicate nerves.

His delicate nerves have been firmly shattered. Students of Hogwarts, you only have me to thank! I'll accept your praise in the form of consumeables, such as chocolates, money and clothing.

My detention was particularly foul, however. I ask you, what kind of teacher drags you out in to the middle of the forbidden forest (there is a REASON it is called the forbidden forest, namely, because it is FORBIDDEN) and then smears you with sticky love-juice (....allow me to rephrase: potion infused with various herbal substances designed to stimulate uh...things. Not...well...yes. Not that) and dumps you in the middle of a pentagram in order to attract a pregnant, horny centaur? So it can be 'healed'.

Professor Snape is a sick, sick man. I would write to mother about it, but as previously stated, i'm putting it off as long as possible. Besides, I suppose it wasn't that bad. I saved the entire horsey-man population, apparently. And all by standing in the middle of a funny star thing wearing some revealing clothing and smelling like fruit salad.

Also, my 'mission' was relatively successfull. I still have a few things to 'work' on, but really, he caved surprisingly easily. I'm a little disappointed.

Pansy, you and I must get together again soon, to discuss this and that. Given that you share a dormitory with me, I barely see you! There must be a reason for this - I feel it's only fair of you to share. We are sisters, after all. Sisters don't keep secrets.

Ha ha. Oh dear. This is going to be quite a term, I feel. Quite a term, indeed.
12_Kiss me| _Kill me
03:36pm 07/08/2005
mood: bored
So, here I am. Back at the good old alma mater. Hogwarts hogwarts hoggy warty whatever.

I'm sure you're all simply dying to know what I got 'up to' over the holidays (indulge me; I know none of you asked me in person, but with the help of these nifty little magical journal thingies, I can pretend that some of you actually give a damn!), but i'm sorry to report that it simply wasn't very exciting. Mother, that man, Angel and I went to France for a bit, hung out with some snooty and disappointingly average looking pureblood boys, shopped (more later) and came home. I think the most exciting thing to happen the entire time we were away was mother throwing her glass of wine at a house elf and then bursting in to tears.

Emotionally frought? Why yes. It appears she's still not 'over' my father. Woman, get a grip. It's been almost three years.

So, back to school. Here I am. Uneventful train journey, for the most part. Stumbled across the self proclaimed Sex God of Slytherin, Malcolm Baddock, in a train carriage with the world's biggest hard-on Demise Colby. Didn't really want to interrupt so I went back to my own compartment. Angeline kept barging in every so often, looking for attention, but I told her to piss off. Blaise, do you know of any good, legal, not too damaging hexes to use on younger siblings? It's frankly embarassing having her bobbing up and down beside me constantly, trying to get 'in' with the cool kids, or whatever it is she thinks she's doing. Surely she has some friends of her own - likeminded Gryffindorks, or something. Hmph.

Dinner was dull, save for the lively stir caused by said little sister dumping a cursed brooch on our table 'for me' from 'someone'. Tried to get Draco (dahhhling)'s new shag-of-the-moment (MacKnob? MacHair? ...?) to pick it up but being a Ravenclaw, he was apparently too smart for that. I'm fairly certain we almost convinced Lavender Brown, but she's been drinking unpurified toxic waste over the summer, or something, because she seems to have developed freaky mind powers and pre-empted our evil plot. Alas!

Still, Draco got some little huffie first year to pick it up. A bit cruel, perhaps, Draco, but none the less rather amusing. Poor thing. Those boils looked painful. Turns out, anyway, that it was demonspawn herself who cursed the brooch. I think she's a little bit jealous of me. Angeline, darling, grow up. Do you really think i'm stupid enough to pick up such an ugly brooch? Next time, at least make it shiny. Then you might be in with a chance.

Apparently Bullstrode was quite taken with the tacky, lumpy ornament, however. It's now pinned to her robe. If you want it back, Angel, I guess you're going to have to talk to her.

Sucks to be you.

Didn't eat much at dinner, ra ra ra. The usual. Met an interest boy up in the common room before bed-time. I think being with Draco must have made me completely blind to all other members of the opposite sex, because it seems strange to think that I wouldn't have noticed this one. In any case, we had an interesting conversation about body piercings and tattoos and so on and so fourth. Apparently, he has several (tattoos). Not that I was allowed to see them...

And of course, today, it was back to lessons. Had a potions class this morning - Millicent was being a whackjob again and screwing around with Colby and that weird looking Hufflepuff boy. Both got detention. I mixed my potion entirely incorrectly, spilt things all over the desk, barely finished my work and did just about everything I could to GET detention, and failed.

Millicent, would you please pick on me in class, next time? I'll give you a shiny galleon!

It's depressing. I'm not even very good at being bad. Must try harder.

I believe i'll start by procrastinating on my potions homework. It's unreasonable to give students homework the first day back, anyway.
10_Kiss me| _Kill me
03:58pm 03/08/2005

* Has never slept with Professor Severus Snape ...yet
* Has never been engaged to Professor Severus Snape
* Has never been engaged to a strange and absent Italian man
* Has only ever tried to kill herself once (Astronomy Tower, fifth year)
* Is not batshit insane ...yet
* Has not broken up with Draco quite so many thousands of times. However they did have an (extremely) rocky relationship during fifth and some of sixth year, were engaged ridiculously briefly and were prone to bouts of very angsty, very violent, very good sex.
* Has never been out with, slept with, etc etc, Skylar Rosier ...yet
* Is a TAD less bitter about the Draco thing than in the previous incarnation of DP.
_Kill me
10:55pm 18/06/2005
  Malfoy Manor.

What can I say?

Screamed at spoke to Draco. Found out why his parents were so eager to have me here - and so hospitable. Naturally, I can't speak about it. What good secret can be easily spoken about? I'm pretty sure that even if I tried to, Narcissa and Lucius have put some sort of charm on my laptop to prevent me. So all you'd get is a mesh of meaningless words and symbols...something akin to this;

imherebecaus7921752 hgksah0 6)(&#(@&^%(765b)#@06-(@(5/-= SAHGHA JKSA769763275799*$*)*^))))***#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...

Which assists no one.

I managed to vacate the Manor and escape the watchful eye of Lucius several evenings ago. Returned to Hogwarts. Saw Professor Snape. And Dumbledore. Had a nice, cosy little chat with the two of them. And by cosy, I mean that I more or less told Dumbledore to screw himself, and then let Professor Snape know that he was a sad, pathetic little man.

Well, he is.

He proposed to me, which was oddly touching fairly hilarious.

Got duly punished for leaving Malfoy Manor.
Some nice little lacerations down my right arm. They don't seem to want to heal which is unendingly irritating. I have them bandaged, although most of the bandages seem to have ripped off...

I can't wait to see what punishment will await me when it's found out i've gone, again.

But it isn't my fault, this time.

I didn't want to leave.

He made me.
They made me.

And that's all I can say.

All I can say without getting hurt.

Cheery little entry, this, isn't it?

...I don't know what the point in even updating this was.

Owl to Professor SnapeCollapse )
7_Kiss me| _Kill me
I'm not okay   
06:17pm 23/05/2005
mood: hopeful
Owl to Skylar RosierCollapse )

Manor is ridiculously dull.

Waiting for Thursday, when I get to bugger off to Malfoy Manor for a bit. Mother owled me from there letting me know that Narcissa and Lucius, especially, were keen to talk to me.

That's never a good thing. I'm not sure I want either of them to be 'keen to talk to me'. I'm sure anything they have to say is far from pleasant. In addition, they're playing host to a gaggle of purebloods at the moment - cousins, distant cousins, aunts, uncles, annoying, acne ridden teenage boys...


I can't wait.

No, really.

Kill me now

Fortunately, however, since being home, I haven't heard a single voice in my head. I haven't felt watched. In fact, i've felt the best I have in a long, long time, since Professor Snape and I...

Owl to Severus SnapeCollapse )

Owl not sent.
25_Kiss me| _Kill me
Darkness Decends   
09:16pm 21/05/2005
mood: cold
I was sleeping in the Library when they found me.

Covered in dust. Covered in soot. The restricted section is the only place where the buzzing ceases. Or maybe it just swells to a volume so great that i'm deafened by it, and as a result, hear nothing at all.

Whatever it is, I could find peace there, a little. The pain was less. I could curl up. I could go to sleep.

They woke me up, and took me to Dumbledore's office...study...room...whatever you want to call it. And that was where they told me I had to leave.

They don't understand! They don't understand! - My leaving won't change anything! I didn't threaten anybody, all I did was tell the truth. But nobody believes that. Nobody. Not even Skylar believes it. But he will. You all will. You'll see.

Sneeveley tried to stop it - tried to make them let me stay, again. But this time, nothing worked - I guess I didn't expect to get off the hook so easily. He gave me a look before I left the room. He spoke to me with his eyes. I'll see him again. I know it.

After I found out, I wandered, without purpose.

Much like my life, really - a meander through dark hallways and dusty rooms, meeting people, saying things, doing things, none of it meaning anything - all of it utterly pointless. I found Demise in Skylar's room. They looked pretty cosy.

Yes, yes. I may be mad (I know that's what you're saying) - Mad Star Ruet - but I can still see what is going on. I have eyes. My mind works. I know what is happening. I know it.

And yes, I kissed Colby.

None of you would understand.
Well, some of you might.

Perhaps I will explain it to you at length, another time. I know, I know this isn't the place. Trust me - much and all as you may think otherwise, I know what rests on 'our little secret'.

I'm not careless.

I'm not.

I left today, in the company of Mr Parkinson.

I don't know where my mother is. I haven't seen her. Pax is noticeably absent too. Just me, and him.


does the night seem any blacker to you, than usual?
34_Kiss me| _Kill me
Reductio ad infinitum   
02:25am 11/05/2005
  Where have I been?

Where haven't I been.

I'll tell you where; here. I haven't been here. And why, you might ask!?

Well, actually, you probably won't.

And I can't blame you for that.

I can't blame you for not caring.

I can't blame you for not noticing.

Did you hear that, Daddy?
Did you hear that, Draco?

I don't blame you. It wasn't your fault. It was mine mine mine. Mine mine mine! I accept that! I know I have my cross to bear, and this - this is it. This cursed BUZZING in my head ALL OF THE TIME like a fucking fly got stuck in there and I can't shake it out.

And sometimes there are voices.
It's like someone is calling to me underwater, from the opposite side of a deep, dark ocean. And i'm drowning in a mass of tangley weeds. Cold, dead fingers are pinching my waterlogged skin...

Where have I been?

Hospital wing.

Miss me?

I thought not.

Reductio ad infinitum

getting smaller and smaller, forever
25_Kiss me| _Kill me
02:38am 05/03/2005
  Once in a house on a hill
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart
For a day and a night
I stayed beside him
Until I had no hope

So I came down the hill
Of course I was hurt
But then I started to think

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

There's a bar by the dock
Where I found myself
Drinking with this man
He offered me a cigarette
And I accepted
'Cause it's been a very long time
As it burned 'till the end
I thought of the boy
No one could ever forget

It shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself

So much has happened, and yet I have absolutely nothing to say.

Sky Skylar and myself broke up. It was a lot more painful than I expected. I don't think i've ever broken up with someone without having a good reason for it, before. This time, I didn't have a good reason at all. He hadn't done anything wrong, which I think came as quite a surprise to both of us. It was 100% my fault, and as such, i'm now feeling 100% guilty about it. But I have to live with that. Maybe Lavender is right. Karma is biting me in the ass. I don't know. I don't care.

So Draco and I decided to give it another go, because of course, I never break up with someone unless I have someone else lined up. Ha. Me and Draco were getting along swimmingly when it was just me and him hanging out at the manor illicitly fucking in bath tubs and the like. However, this would be before his mothers idiotic, madcap scheme to hook him up with Lavender Brown.

Need I say I am not happy about this? Lavender is acting as though it is my fault, for 'fucking it up for all concerned', because apparently if I wasn't such a 'psychotic whore' then Draco and I would be happily married by now (ha. yes. i'm sure.). Draco whinges that it's not his fault and there's nothing he can do about it and he's just as miserable as I am about it (despite the fact that he took Lavender out clubbing with him and dressed up in her clothes. aha. ha.) and all in all, it's just putting rather a dampner on the relationship.

I know I have done a lot of things in/with my life that other people morally condemn, but honestly? This is the first time in my life that I have felt like a whore. I feel like Draco's fucking slut. I hate it. I hate that I am his girlfriend but i'm being made to feel like his seedy mistress or something because whenever Lavender gets home she cracks the shits and insists I a) don't sleep in their bed b) don't fuck in their bed and in general just stay the hell out of their annex.

It is incredibly fucked up.

Before I broke up with Sky Skylar, I did something I probably shouldn't have done to him, and made him do the same to me. Draco saw it and cracked the shits. We had a massive fight. I ended up in the shower with the water turned on full pelt, freezing cold, just sitting there for about fifteen minutes.

Anyway, I have other cuts on my opposite hip, now. "Mine".

Yeah well I don't feel very much like "yours". Except in the previously stated whore-like fashion.

Also got back my engagement ring. I wore it for two seconds then took it off again and now it's in my drawer along with the necklace Skylar gave me, which I also took off, because I can't deal with it right now. Any of it. I don't want to think about it.

I think it's ironic that if you look at me, physically - if you look at my hips - i'm perfectly divided in two.

That's pretty much how I feel. For once, the outside matches the inside. Only the inside is much, much uglier. I think Draco might realise that now. Maybe Skylar does, too. I know Demise does. And Lavender. Cael. Tale too, probably. Lufi did, or does now, or something. My little sister does. Draco's mother does, and my mother, too...

And I think Mr. Sneevely sees it.

I am glad that you hate me, all of you. I deserve it. Happy, Demise? Well done, you. You did it. Hurray! Yes, I deserve your hatred. And everybody elses. And don't worry yourself, sweetheart - go back to your boyfriend and stop dedicating your life to fucking me up. I'm going to die. Something horrible is going to happen. Karma will get me good. You don't even have to lift a finger.

I think i've said too much.
22_Kiss me| _Kill me
11:46am 22/02/2005
mood: amused

hp_hardcore presents Hardcore Valentines! Click here to get your own!

That explains it.
15_Kiss me| _Kill me
Doctors and Nurses   
01:51am 10/02/2005
mood: uncomfortable
Really, Skylar, I didn't think you'd stoop that low.

Demise sodding Colby?

I can't say i'm surprised and perhaps I got what was coming to me, but for the love of Merlin! It's Colby!

And you...Demise...don't even get me started on you, you filthy little mudblood whore - pretending to be so high and mighty and better than the rest of us! You're nothing but a common. little. tramp.

Ugh. I am so over this.

If anyone wants me, i'll be at Malfoy Manor.

Fuck you all.
76_Kiss me| _Kill me
I'll try hard not to pretend   
09:11pm 08/02/2005
mood: sore
I just bumped in to Angeline in the fifth floor girls bathroom, and she gave me some of those muggle 'love heart' sweet thingies. You know the ones. They have little messages written on them, like 'Be Mine' and that sort of bollocks. Apparently she swapped them with some girl in her dorm for a bag of cockroach clusters (hahahah poor girl) and thought I might like some. After checking them over for basic hexes and so fourth, I thanked her, took them, and left.

They're not bad.

Kiss me.


How nice. I had to find out Draco had been sent home from Lavender sodding Brown. Am I supposed to just stop caring, or something? Am I supposed to be cut out of the loop entirely?

Ha. Hahaha. hm.


I have a puppy.

It's curled up in it's little...box thing...currently. It's really been very well behaved so far, except for that brief incident where it was about to piss on my bed, so I picked it up, dashed next door and dropped it on Potter's.

Childish? Yes. Amusing? Unendingly so.

It still doesn't have a name, so if anyone has any suggestions please speak now. Free issue of Playwizard to the person who puts forward the suggestion I like best. Why aren't I thinking of a name myself? Oh you know - i'm unoriginal and blonde. And apparently, a psychotic whore.

Yes, 'my' issue of Playwizard is out now. According to Kit our beloved Head Boy, 52 copies have already been confiscated so I can only assume most of you will have already seen it. I'm really quite happy with how the shots came out, especially this one:

Naturally most of them are noticeably more devoid of clothing than that one. Ha ha.

Hm. I should really be doing a Defence Against the Dark Arts essay currently, for Professor Snape (thank Merlin Lupin and that annoying woman with the constantly changing hair colour reproduced. Class is noticeably less crap with them around. For me, anyway. Ha!) but Sneevely came bustling in to our classroom this afternoon and informed us that we [The Tree of Knowledge Students] needn't do it due to the fact that we'd be 'beginning an exciting and challenging new extension project later in the week' (Oh. Goody.). Snape looked like he was about to throttle Sneevely with his own neck-tie, but I assume even Snape hasn't the authority to overturn The Board of Education and the Ministry of Magic.

Oh well. Can't complain, I suppose.

There really is very little else to say.

PrivateCollapse )

Hold me.
80_Kiss me| _Kill me
01:13am 06/01/2005
mood: optimistic

You are insatiable
Latex smile peels off your skull
Everyone knows you need a piece of lollirot
Lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lollirot

Hard rock queens in ripped up jeans
Everyone thinks they're so obscene
Bend them over you get a taste of lollirot
Lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lollirot

Evil boy still the best
Peanut butter smeared on his chest
Get real close you'll get a taste of lollirot
Lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lolli lollirot

We are all candy covered on the outside
Peel away the shell and we're rotten on the inside
We are all angry, angry on the outside
Peel out your eyes
Take my advice
Blinded by fear, sugar and spice

So, it appears to be a new year. Again. This time last year I was locked up in my room with Pansy getting incredibly drunk to blot out the fact that I was horribly alone, after having been mixed up in that nasty Zac business, dumped by Aidan Lynch and trying to adjust to family life with That Man and without Pax. Hm.

I like to think things were better this past year, although they've certainly been no less dramatic.

Blaise and I got together to discuss various things the other evening and drink far, far too much vodka. We were talking about relationships (since that's all there ever seems to be to talk about in this place aha. haha. oh the irony) and she gave me some sound advice.

Which i've not followed at all.

Dumped Draco over christmas. I say 'dumped Draco' because it makes me look better, I suppose. The fact is, if i'm being honest (and i'm trying to be, this year) it was a mutual thing. Apparently he feels absolutely nothing for me anymore, which is just horrible fantastic. If at any point he gets angry/upset/annoyed i'll simply point out to him that he was the one who put me on the spot and said "Choose". He made me do this. So now he has his way, I chose, he didn't win, how sad, too bad.

His fucking plant sliced my hand up so I threw it at him. hehehe.

Oh, also broke that bracelet he bought me. Fucker. Like I want it, anyway. It's...dirty. Or something. I don't know. Man, I am full of shit.

Anyway...you know, that episode in Sky and Draco's annex sort of opened my eyes a little bit. I mean I don't think it's fair that he automatically assumes i've been fucking Skylar in his absence simply because i'm wearing nothing but a sheet and Sky also happens to be present. I mean come on, you left me in your room and I was wearing nothing but a sheet, was I supposed to just stay there whilst you went out and did what the hell ever? I am human, you know. I get hungry, thirsty, and need to use the bathroom like everyone else!

Sorry. I'm a bit tense. Christmas wasn't very good.

Sky stayed with me, though. 'Just as friends'. And he put up with my bitching, and my whinging, and when I started to cry he held me and he didn't complain and he didn't chuck a psycho and he didn't stalk off to another room, so I think that's rather a good indication that i've made the right choice.

Plus if he ever pisses me off I have his blood in a vial around my neck, so I can do something truly nasty to him :)

It was odd to be without my mother, Pax, Angel and everyone else for Christmas. I still don't see the point in us staying here - it's not like we did anything to do with that stupid club ...or did we? I'm somewhat confused.

New Years Eve was spent bondage-style in a muggle hotel room and frankly I couldn't be happier about that.

Block Non-Members of Sparky ClubCollapse )
39_Kiss me| _Kill me
Push you up against the wall   
03:47am 19/12/2004
mood: morose
Block non-members of sparky!clubCollapse )

Called to Dumbledore's office the other night.

I was surprisingly apprehensive. Alright, I know i've done nothing wrong. I haven't. You can't fucking implicate me it wasn't my doing - but nonetheless, given the crap Nott and Colby more than likely spouted to him (and my 'history') I was quite prepared for him to believe them implicitly and drag out a pretty severe punishment.

To be honest, I was expecting suspension. Maybe even expulsion. I mean, if Colby got her mental mudblood mummy (ooh, alliteration!) on to dear old Dumbles, he'd have to do something about me, right? Or so I thought...

Halfway through our meeting Sneevely strides in, and turfs me out, saying he has to 'have a word with the professor'.

And on my way out, he winks at me.

...and I haven't heard anything from Dumbledore since.

...I fucking don't know what to make of that.

I'm lonely tonight. Draco's gone off with Tale because...I don't know. Because I suck, and i'm a shit person, and i'm not good enough for him, and I wouldn't put out, and for once I actually told him what I thought instead of just keeping quiet and hoping for the best.

That's the last time I do that.

He's probably fucking her right now. Oh God. Fuck. Well, fine. Do what you like, Draco. I don't care. If you think that'll make you happy, go for it. I only ever wanted you to be happy, you know.

Supposedly I 'betrayed his trust' by sleeping with Sky even though we were fucking not together at the time, asshole, and 'everythings changed' since I slept with Sky, and he doesn't know why he's with me now.

...sometimes I wonder if the cycle of bullshit will ever end.

I guess not. I guess that's why it's called a 'cycle'.

Wow, i'm so blonde it hurts.

I'm in a shit mood. Placate me by buying me expensive christmas presentsCollapse )

I guess when all else fails, at least a girl can shop.
31_Kiss me| _Kill me
02:47am 13/12/2004
mood: uncomfortable

What an absolute fucker of a week.
13_Kiss me| _Kill me
An update. You demanding fucks.   
01:50pm 02/12/2004
mood: amused
Boyfriends: 1
Fiances: 1
Are they the same person? No.
Ex-boyfriends: 1. Sort of.
Amount of sex i've had in the last two weeks: ...lots.
Mystery-shrouded-sparky-societies belonged to: 1
Bridges burnt: At least one.
Bridges built: A few.
Mental state: Functional.

Brief relationship with insidiousslyth is over.

Don't think it was actually a relationship in the first place, since apparently he was only 'with me' because he knew I 'wouldn't be too clingy' because he knew I 'was still in love with Draco'.

What does that even mean?

Told him I loved him maybe I did?. Obviously, was lying. Or projecting. I'm sure there are many feasible explanations.

So yes. Back with Draco. Worried about him, actually. But I don't think I should talk about it.

Worried about Sparky!Club, too. Also worried about meeting with Dumbledore, since it's safe to assume it's about Demise's would-be-demon-spawn, as darling Mr. Nott and sodding Colby are trotting along too.

New living arrangements are curious. Have just finished moving in my stuff. At least I have my own room - though coming home to a small flat full of Potter, Nott and Zachary is a bit much. Thank fuck for Blaise. Zac seems to have turned in to a little shit, by all accounts - ....shame. He was such a nice boy last time I slept with him. Mostly. Clearly junkie-scum-dom doesn't agree with him.

Speaking of Junkie-scum, my brother is out of the-not-so-poisoned-ivy-clinic and is 'fine'. Ha. Don't think I didn't register what was going on between you and Cael. You're an abysmal liar.

Am quite surprised to find Cael to be a relatively nice human being. Don't trust him as far as I can throw him, but he's not bad.

I suppose other than that, it's all quiet on the Western Front.

I'm going to be skipping Hogwarts for a few days soon, however. It's going to be brilliant. I can't wait.

What a stir I shall cause upon my return. Oh indeed.
19_Kiss me| _Kill me
Anything for a quiet life (not)   
07:02pm 04/11/2004
mood: accomplished
Has anyone noticed, how everything seems to happen to me?

I promise, i'm not being egocentric. It just...well, it honest to Merlin seems like everything revolves around me. It's bizarre! Hm.

First things first - I urge the Hogwarts Ghosts not to give up their collective day jobs. That singing was horrendous, and worst still, the second years seem to have taken it up as their own personal anthem and are running around screaming it at the top of their lungs whenever they get the oppertunity. Die. Kill. Stab.

Secondly, I attended that bizarre little pow-wow down at the Well, stirred the water (which, incidentally, smelt like death. I urge whomever is responsible for the upkeep of that part of the grounds [Hagrid?] to get it seen to. It can't be hygenic) and got the magical silver sparks/midnight blue water/ra ra ra. Fantastic. I feel rather special, as it seems 90% of you got diddly-squat when poking your wands about in there - that dodgy pre-pubescent looking ministry official and Maghnus' darling daddy gave a brief speech before hand - something about 'untapped talent' and 'fostering our childrens brilliance'.

Haha. Cool. I'm brilliant.
Told you so.

But really, on to more important things:

rockmeruet (yes, i'm talking about you Luficer) is being a complete ass. He sent me some vaugly nauseating owl about 'wanting to see me' and when I didn't reply, rocked right up anyway. "Oh, I heard you were...sick...blah blah blah, I want to help. I'm worried about you. I care about you, you know. La la la. Etcetera etcetera."


He broke up with Tale to 'be with me in my hour of need' - what a fucking misspent crusade. I don't need anyone, shit-for-brains, much less you and if (in some crazed fit of insanity) I did decide I needed my ex-boyfriend/alcoholic guitarist/rapist to 'give me a hand' i'd bloody well ask. So fuck off. Seriously. You may just have made one of the biggest mistakes of your life - don't you dare come back to my room and try and fuck things up (for yourself and me) again. Cause i'll have no qualms with hexing you six ways from sunday.

That said and done, this entry has probably made it quite clear that I am 'cleaning out my [metaphorical] broom closet'.

And what better way to finish than with eeking out a bit of revenge that's been three years in the making?

Yeah, that's right. I fucked him up. I fucked him up good - so if you see him moping about the castle, looking like he's about to burst in to tears, do the right thing and mock him like you've never mocked him before.

Initially I regretted making him finally realise how much hurt and pain and suffering he put me through. I regretted making him sob like a two year old (in front of me, no less). When he told me he knew what he wanted, and he wanted me, I seriously considered giving it 'another go'. Because for a split second, I really really thought he might have changed, now he knew what it was like.

But no. Nope. Here we are, three days on, and once again he's the biggest tosser in the world - we're back to 'whore' and 'bitch' and 'leave me alone I hate you I never want to see you again'.

Okay. Fine. I know you're lying, by the way, but if you feel that you need to tell yourself (and everybody else) that to get by - whatever. Good for you.

I don't care.

Met a boy last weekend.
Pureblood function. Cousins were latching on to him rabidly. Came to talk to me, instead. Ha ha. Sucks to be them and all that. Fucked him on the couch in the middle of a room full of people. Yay.. Turns out he goes to Hogwarts. Haha. Funny that. How did I manage to overlook that one? Ah well.

So yes. All in good fun. Doesn't mean anything but...might as well enjoy it whilst one can.


Yes, alright. I regret being such a bitch.
Maybe I regret taking a chance on this thing when I don't know what it is (or where it's going).
Maybe I am a whore who needs someone else inside her to figure out who she is.
Maybe maybe maybe...

I'm sorry Draco.

16_Kiss me| _Kill me
12:32pm 24/10/2004
mood: exhausted
I turned 18 in the hospital wing.


Yes, i'm out now.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
Any of it.
7_Kiss me| _Kill me
Champagne Supernova   
10:30pm 07/10/2004
  I haven't the energy to be angry with anyone, anymore.

I haven't the energy to be pissed off, or hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused or anything other than...

numb. Even numb isn't right. I know numb is supposed to be a complete lack of emotion, but it isn't. It's an emotion, in it's own right. And what I feel, is the complete absence of...

Anything. Nothingness. Emptiness. Everything is gone - like it's been erased, or used up, or sucked out.

In the blink of eye, everything changes - and suddenly you find yourself back where you started, years and years ago. Except that with every year, things get a little bit worse. It all adds up. Until you can't cope with it.

I threw away my one chance at stability. Not at happiness, because I don't think you can be truly happy if you're just blocking out everything that really matters to you. Perhaps eventually the facade would have crumbled. But I didn't even let it stand, to see...

I'm an idiot.

I slipped off that ring, and chose to forget about it, and put on this one - and something that i've been vaugly dreaming about for three years finally happened, and for some reason I stupidly imagined that because I was engaged to Draco, everything would be different...

I should have listened when the voice in my head told me that he wasn't over Cael. And he'd never be over Cael. And that wasn't good enough for me.

And then Cael had his rant. And I still won't accept the things that he said as true - I don't care how honest and razor sharp he thinks his observations were. But like I said, i'm not angry. There's just this dull sense of pain somewhere inside me, that i'm trying my best to ignore. Maybe I need a few more draughts of sleeping potion...

Anyway - I come back to find 'my' boy bruised and beaten and for once in his life willing to be totally honest with me about what he wants, and what is going on.

So I returned the favour.

I love you so much that it wipes out everything else so completely that it can't possibly be good for either of us.

I want to make it stop, now.


Please make it stop.
7_Kiss me| _Kill me